I'm having doubts

Serious doubts.

Enough said.

A couple of things..

• My land lord is showing someone around my room tomorrow night at 7. I have to work at 4. Doesn't make me happy to think he will be here when I am not. Seems like i will be spending tomorrow morning tidying, hoovering, hiding any traces of fag butts and stashing my vibe under the bed..
• Me and the boss had another heart to heart tonight. It has made me feel a little sad about leaving.. We have a bizaar relationship. I kinda look after him, well i do look after him. theres no kinda about it..! He constantly gives me such a hard time but still I watch his back. Tonight he told me that he is gutted I am going. he described me as the little sister he never had. He told me I am one of the few people he would call a true friend. I feel a little blubbery.
• On a lighter note.. When I was leaving work tonight a bloke pulled up asking if i had a lighter (he saw my fag..) i ran over to give himm one and he asked me where i was going. i told him. he asked if i wanted a lift. i took him up on his offer (which, may i just add i wouldnt usually do..) He took me to my destination (which wasn't home for those of you thinking he must be a peodofilic stalker..) asked for my number and said e would like to take me out for a drink. I'm seeing him in the week. Woot woot! However.. now is not the time to be meeting people considering i am leaving in 10 short weeks.. (and counting..)

10 in 10

It is exactly 10 weeks today until the big move.

Here's the plan.

I need to lose 10 pounds within the next 10 weeks.

Thats a pound a week for those of you lacking a mathmatical head.

I feel fat. I need to do something about it.

Any ideas?

The Phone Call

I'm coming to Holland!!

All my tests came back clear!!

WOOT WOOT

A Little Update

• The Move - First week of December (Fingers crossed..)
• The Housemate - We've worked things out. Winner.
• The House - I move out the 10th of October (Back to Mum's.. Woot Woot!!)
• Tomorrow - I have a blood test.. (Not so Woot Woot..)
• The Pub - Me and the big man have bonded.. a little too late..
• Me - After going to the Doctors about my depression I have been feeling a lot better, I turned down my referal to the counsellor as there is a six week waiting list and I'm hoping to have sorted my head out a little by then anyway!!

Life is seeming a lot brighter!!

Conclusions

Things all seem a little clearer today.

In my head I have already moved. Of course I have doubts but have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose.

I don't have anything major keeping me in the UK, so I have a stability of an mediocre job and somewhere to live but that's about it, I can have that in Holland.

I spoke to my landlord (bent a few truths..) and he said that as long as I give a months notice I am still able to get my deposit back, I'm considering going back to Mums for a while as the rent is cheaper and will enable me to save a bit of cash before I move (if I move..)

I'm also considering studying in Rotterdam, I think this might give me some sort of purpose and something to focus on rather than plodding on through a shitty job. However, anyone who knows me is quite aware that I come up with these studying ideas pretty often so we'll have to see about that one (Ineke..)!

Decisions

I think I'm slowly but surely coming to my decision..

The Newbe

We have a new housemate. He moves in tomorrow.

He actually seems quite nice, far better than the previous ones they've shown around!!

I also spoke to the landlord about the possibility of moving out before my tenancy contract is up. I was a little concerned that I wouldn't retrieve my deposit if I left early, however after I explained that I have been offered a job in the Netherlands he became a little more understanding and agreed that if I gave enough notice it would be possible to have my money back..

Watch this space..

Torn

I feel torn.

I feel so desperately like I have two homes. I just seem to have been lumbered with the impossible decision of which to live in. The frustrating thing is, I am the one that has lumbered myself with it.

Although the UK will always be home for me I feel it is more of a base, a safety net so if all else fails I have somewhere to return too.

Living in Holland was such an incredible experience for me but I somehow feel I have unfinished business there.

Before moving to the Netherlands I had two goals, to learn the language and to explore the country. Neither of which I accomplished.

Would it be so bad to go back and finish what I started?

I'm overly aware of the fact things will have changed. For started I won't have my ex there as a safety blanket and the majority of my friends will have returned to their home countries. However, if I go expecting a whole new experience as appose to trying to recreate the old one, surely there is a strong possibility it could work?

Choices

I'm considering a move.

I'm not sure where. I'm not sure when. But I am sure that I am considering a move.

The options..

• Holland - I lived in the Netherlands for 18 months with my ex, I miss it, a lot.
• Canada - My best friend from Holland has recently returned there, thinking of joining her..
• Both!! Its possible i may visit Canada for 3 months but return to Holland after rather than come back to the UK..

Decisions, decisions..